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WHEN YOU FALL IN LOVE
(Debunking the Myths That Are Driving You Crazy)
By: Bo Sanchez

This article isn't for teenagers only.

Falling in love happens to the young and the not-so-young. (Did you see
42-year-old Tom Cruise jump up and down Oprah's couch because of Katie?)
It happens to everyone. Fat, thin, tall, short, intelligent, uneducated,
holy, not so holy, dark, white, yellow, green... it doesn't really matter.
All of us fall in love.
And we get stuck in myths that drive us absolutely crazy.
My goal is to debunk these myths and convince you not to believe in them.
Let's begin..........

MYTH 1: LOVE WILL CONQUER ALL

Let me qualify.
This is such a tricky myth. Because love ----- as defined by the Bible
------ will conquer all. But love ------ as defined by glazed-eyed lovers
----- will not.

If you believe in this myth, you might do the following:

You overlook major obstacles in your relationship.

Everyone you know is wondering why you chose that creature from outer space
as your boyfriend. Your bestfriends are telling you to get rid of him. Your
family is telling you to throw him out of a running vehicle. Aling Rosa of
the sari-sari store across the street is telling you to lace his drink with
poison.
But you won't --------- because you're in love. That's why there are songs
entitled, "you and me against the world"
Your bestbuds comment, 'but he's been jobless for the past three years!"
And you say, "He's free-spirited. He feels boxed in when he's in the
office. '(in other words, he's undisciplined, lazy bum.)
Your officemates say, 'He flirts with other women constantly!' and you say,
'No, he's just friendly.' (in other words, he's a pervert)
Your cousins say, 'He's taking drugs, He's got needle marks all over his
arm. And you say, 'No, he's into cross stitching.'

You overstay in toxic relationships, believing that your love will change
him.

The wedding doesn't transform anyone.
Even if three Popes officiate the wedding.
The person you'll march with into the church will be the same person you'll
march with out of the church. He doesn't change one bit.
In fact, the marriage makes the hidden more obvious.
If he was selfish before he got married, he will be even more selfish after
the wedding. If he was hypercritical before he got married, he'll even be
more vile and prolific with his criticisms after wedding.
Here's the truth : You need more than feelings of love to make a
relationship work. You need mature character, total commitment and a
minimum level of compatibility.
Especially compatibility in the area of values and mission in life. I hear
people say, 'We're compatible. Our names begin with the same letter J. My
name is Julie and his name is Julio. We're both born in July."
Wow. That's so deep, I want to cry.

MYTH 2 : WHEN IT"S TRUE LOVE YOU WILL KNOW THE MOMENT YOU MEET THE OTHER
PERSON

I'm sure you've had this experience before.
You are in a crowded room. You're surrounded by boring, noisy chatter when,
suddenly, this gorgeous guy enters the door.
Your eyes meet.
Instantly, time stands still. The universe grinds to a halt. Except for
this attractive man in front of you, everything in your vision becomes a
giant blur. The hubbub of the crowd becomes a soft muffle and, from out of
nowhere, you here gentle violin music from the background.
One week later, he's your boyfriend.
A few weeks later, you discover that your boyfriend's a pathological liar,
buried in credit card debt, borrows money from all his girlfriends (you're
his eight in six months).
Your mind says, 'Dump him'
Your heart says, 'But it was love at first sight!'
Here are the consequences ...

You become so focused on the magical first moment, you become blind to the
dark side of the relationship.
Six out of seven days, you're fighting with your boyfriend.
But you can't give him up because you met each other in such a magical
moment. Your car keys fell and he picked it up, and then your eyes met, you
smelled his deodorant, and you dropped your keys again ......How can you
not be meant for each other?

You become a love-at-first-sight junkie that you could miss out on the
'real thing'.
One intelligent woman told me, 'Bo, there's this guy who's courting me.
He's okay. He's kind, he's responsible, he has a good job.......'
"I could hear a 'but' coming ," I said.
'but there are no sparks!" she bit her lip.
"No violin music playing in the background huh"
"none. When I see him, the background music I hear is
lululalu-lalulalulalei..."
"listen. You don't need a magical first moment to meet our potential
husband. The important things are mature character, financial
responsibility, ability for commitment, compatible mission and values..."
I actually met this girl again on her wedding, and before she marched down
the aisle, she whispered to me, "Do you hear the violin music, Bo? It's
loud and clear."
It doesn't have to be love at first sight.
In fact, marriages with the least adjustments are those between friends
who've known each other for years before they realize that they're good
marriage material.
What is love at first sight?
Many times, it's lust at first sight. Or infatuation at first sight.
Don't give it too much weight.
Here's the truth: it takes a moment to experience infatuation but true love
takes a lifetime.

MYTH 3 : IF IT IS TRUE LOVE YOU WILL FEEL THIS WAY FOR EACH OTHER FOREVER

No, you won't. Here are the consequences for believing this myth :

You panic when the feelings wane, and wonder whether the marriage is over
and whether you really loved one another in the first place.
Imagine the night of your honeymoon.
Your new bride is sleeping. The cotton curtains are gently swaying in the
cool breeze. You gaze at her lovely face. You study her soft cheeks. Her
long eyelashes. Her beautiful nose, her parted red lips.
And all of a sudden, she snores.
"Ngggggggooork"
How do you react? Because it's your honeymoon, you say, 'How cute.'
Six months down the road, the same scene transpires. Your wife is sleeping.
And the same cotton curtains are gently swaying in the cool breeze.
And you hear her snore.
"Ngggggoork."
What do you say?
"Ssssssheeeesh, Honey! You sound like a boat!'
What has happened? The feelings have gone. Let me say this: 'That's normal.
It happens to everyone. But it doesn't mean your love is gone so don't
panic!
You can make a decision to love the snoring boat.

You start blaming your partner for the loss of love
This is nutty.
But many people do it: when we don't feel in love, we think it's the fault
of the other person. And so we fight him.
Again, we fall out of love because we're human beings.
It's nobody's fault.
The moment you fall out of love , the real work begins .
Let me explain.
This is the most important point I'm going to make. (I got this from Scott
Peck in his bestseller book, The Road Less traveled)

Falling in love isn't love
Here's why. When you fall in love.....
a. No decision is required. Falling in love just happens.
b. No effort is required. Falling in love is like.... Well, falling.
c. No hard work is required. Falling in love is being bitten by the love
bug.

On the other hand, true love requires all three : Decision, effort and lots
of hard work. In the Bible, love is a command. You make it happen.
Sure true love can only happen after you've fallen out of love.
When you begin choosing to love, even if you don't feel like doing it ----
that's true love. And that's the foundation of a lasting marriage.

MYTH 4: YOUR PARTNER WILL FULFILL YOU COMPLETELY

Again because falling in love satisfied you completely ----- you want the
same satisfaction to last. No it won't.
Consequence? You might fail to recognize a good relationship because your
partner isn't fulfilling the needs you should be fulfilling yourself.
Here's the truth: the right partner will fulfill many of your needs but not
all of them . There are just some things your husband can't give you:
you're self-worth. Your spirituality. Your inner happiness. These are
things you have to work on your own.
I've met lots of people who think they're dissatisfied with their marriage.
In reality, they're dissatisfied with themselves.
I've met lots of people who think they're bored with their marriages. And
they complain to the high heavens how boring their husband or wife is ----
when in truth, they're really bored with life.
Meet your own needs. Find your happiness in God. Find your niche, your
calling, your destiny. And then share your joy with your spouse.

MYTH 5: IF IT'S TRUE LOVE YOU WON'T BE ATTRACTED TO ANYONE ELSE

If you believe in this myth, you panic when you get attracted to someone
else, questioning the authenticity of your love for your spouse.
One man told me, 'Bo, I love my wife. Or I thought I did. But then I met
this woman at work. She has nice make-up. She smells nice. She wears a
pencil-cut skirt. When I go home, my wife is wearing a drab rag. Her hair
is undone. She smells of vinegar. Gosh I am attracted to this girl at
work."
Being attracted to someone is normal ----- even if you have a happy
marriage. But being attracted doesn't mean falling into adultery.
Every time you think of the other woman, discipline your heart and say,
'Home, boy, Home!' and escort your heart back to your wife. Because if you
feed your attraction with fantasies and constantly think about the other
woman, it grows . But if you starve your attraction, it dies a natural
death.

How to make the Olympic Games even more interesting in 2008?
(Part 6)

4 Stages Of Life
Our lifetime, passed from bottle to bottle...

"The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind"
(Wayne Dyer)

AUGUST 17
BLESSED JOAN DELANOUE

The youngest of twelve children, Joan Delanoue was born in 1666. Her family had a small but successful business. When her widowed mother died, she left the store to Joan. She was not an evil girl, but she thought only of making money. She committed many little sins to do it. She had once been devout, but now there was little love in her heart. Her mother had always been generous to beggars. Joan, instead, would buy food only just in time for dinner. This way she could tell any beggars who came to the door during the day: "I have nothing to give you."

Joan was not happy living like this. At last, when she was twenty-seven, a good priest helped her start living up to her faith with love and fervor. Then she finally saw that her "business" was to give away money, not hoard it. Joan began taking care of poor families and orphans. Eventually, she closed her shop entirely to devote her time to them. People called her house full of orphans, "Providence House." Later, she persuaded other young women to help her. They became the Sisters of St. Anne of Providence in Saumur, France, Joan's town.

Joan lived a very self-sacrificing life. She performed hard penances. St. Grignon de Montfort met Joan. He thought at first that her pride was causing her to be so hard on herself. But then he realized that her heart was really full of love of God. He said: "Go on in the way you have begun. God's Spirit is with you. Follow his voice and fear no more." Joan died peacefully on August 17, 1736. She was seventy years old. The people of Saumur said, "That little shopkeeper did more for the poor of Saumur than all the town councilors put together. What a woman! And what a holy person!"

Joan was proclaimed "blessed" by Pope Pius XII in 1947, the same year St. Grignon de Montfort was declared a saint.

Daily Reading & Meditation

Thursday (8/17): "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him?"

Scripture: Matthew 18:21-19:1

21 Then Peter came up and said to him, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?" 22 Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.23 "Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. 24 When he began the reckoning, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents; 25 and as he could not pay, his lord ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. 26 So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, `Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.' 27 And out of pity for him the lord of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. 28 But that same servant, as he went out, came upon one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii; and seizing him by the throat he said, `Pay what you owe.' 29 So his fellow servant fell down and besought him, `Have patience with me, and I will pay you.' 30 He refused and went and put him in prison till he should pay the debt. 31 When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their lord all that had taken place. 32 Then his lord summoned him and said to him, `You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you besought me; 33 and should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?' 34 And in anger his lord delivered him to the jailers, till he should pay all his debt. 35 So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart." 19:1 Now when Jesus had finished these sayings, he went away from Galilee and entered the region of Judea beyond the Jordan.

Meditation: How does mercy and justice go together? The prophet Amos speaks of God forgiving transgression three times, but warns that God may not revoke punishment for the fourth (see Amos 1:3-13; 2:1-6). When Peter posed the question of forgiveness, he characteristically offered an answer he thought Jesus would be pleased with. Why not forgive seven times! How unthinkable for Jesus to counter with the proposition that one must forgive seventy times that. Jesus made it clear that there is no reckonable limit to forgiveness. And he drove the lesson home with a parable about two very different kinds of debts. The first man owed an enormous sum of money -- millions in our currency. In Jesus' time this amount was greater than the total revenue of a province -- more than it would cost to ransom a king! The man who was forgiven such an incredible debt could not, however bring himself to forgive his neighbor a very small debt which was about one-hundred-thousandth of his own debt. The contrast could not have been greater! No offence our neighbor can do to us can compare with our debt to God! We have been forgiven a debt which is beyond all paying; to ransom our debt of sin God gave up his only begotten Son. If God has forgiven each of us our debt, which was very great, we, too must forgive others the debt they owe us.

Jesus teaches that one must forgive in order to be forgiven. If we do not forgive our fellow human being we cannot expect God to forgive us. James says that "judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy" (James 2:13). Mercy is truly a gift and it is offered in such a way that justice is not negated. Mercy "seasons" justice as "salt" seasons meat and gives it flavor. Mercy follows justice and perfects it. To pardon the unrepentant is not mercy but license. C.S. Lewis, a 20th century Christian author wrote: "Mercy will flower only when it grows in the crannies of the rock of Justice: transplanted to the marshlands of mere Humanitarianism, it becomes a man-eating weed, all the more dangerous because it is still called by the same name as the mountain variety." If we want mercy shown to us we must be ready to forgive others as God has forgiven us.